First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
