Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
