Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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