I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
