dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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