I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
