Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
