my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
