you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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