I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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