i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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