I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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