you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
