in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
