Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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