is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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