my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
