and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
