So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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