i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
