This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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