I wish I could punch you in the face.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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