i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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