I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
