evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
