Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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