Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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