I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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