but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
