Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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