Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
