I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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