You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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