I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
