I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
