My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
