I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
