someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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