So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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