Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
