our cab driver is having phone sex.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
