Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Blood and glitter go together right?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
