the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
