I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
