just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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