wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
