The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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