I think im going to throw up on grandma
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
