that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
