On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
