Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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